Take the following survey to see if your ‘church’ is spiritually abusive. We took this survey based on our past spiritually abusive church with commentary.
The following is a questionnaire to see just how healthy your church really is. To determine how well it ranks, answer “YES” or “NO” to the following questions:
- Does your church tightly control the flow of information within its ranks?
YES. Our ex narc-elder (and his yes-man) would actually make unannounced visits to members and intimidate them into seeing their email; so they could check if they received any email(s) from a past member who is considered ‘factious.’ People would be in fear of this type of violation, intimidation and control.
2. Does the head of your church, along with the other “leaders”, use public shaming as a method to gain the compliance of followers?
OH YES! This is part of our ex narc-elder’s ‘faction protocol.’ He would use public shaming to try to conform the person being shamed, and others in the fellowship into compliance. This possibility of shaming (or factoring out) puts fear in the rest of the fellowship and makes it even more difficult to stand up for the truth and/or leave the assembly. The narc-elder doesn’t want people to leave because he deals with fear of rejection and fears his ‘image’ from being damaged. He would rather lie, smear and frame-up others who stood up and confront his actions rather than confess and repent himself.
3. Does the head of your church and his “fellow elders” appear to be intolerant or consider it evil persecution when criticized or questioned?
YES. Our yes-man ‘elder’ once told me that I should listen when an Apostle spoke! He was referring to the head of the cult, the narc-elder. There is NO criticism or questioning of the narc-elder; this is considered rejecting the steps in Matthew 18 or receiving an accusation against an elder without 2 or 3 witnesses. (Even though the Bible says later in this chapter to rebuke those ‘elders’ that sin that the rest may be in fear of, … the congregation.
3. Are you discouraged to associate with former members, being warned that they are“evil” or “defiling”; a “danger to your spiritual welfare”?
YES. This is a main method of control of the narc-elder. He tells the current members that they will get ‘faction demons’ or ‘faction fleas’ if they EVEN GREET former members. He uses the scripture that says that in doing so thou shall take part in their evil deeds. The TRUTH that counters the narc-elder’s lie is that there are always TWO sides to every story and current members should hear ALL sides of an issue, not the sole narrative of the ‘elder.’
4. Is leaving your church to join another church that “is not approved by your elders”equal to leaving God?
YES. Matter-of-fact, in most cases the narc-elder and his enablers will say that those who leave are going in to perdition, are like Judas, reprobates, lost, apostate, and other vile things we cannot repeat here.
5. Do you fear being rebuked, shunned, or ignored for expressing a different opinion?
YES. This is NOT allowed. So instead, members regurgitate the narc-elder’s views, opinions, etc. This is where it starts to feel like a cult.
6. At church, is there a sense of control, rather than support?
YES. Control is always in the air; almost like a wet blanket smothering. There is ONLY support by the narc-elder WHEN you totally agree with him by blind obedience. He demands your TOTAL and complete submission and obedience. He would often yell at those who may contradict, oppose or even confront him about his sin; he would say in a loud angry voice: “OBEY THOSE THAT HAVE RULE OVER YOU!’ (This is a directly witnessed quote from the narc-elder)
7. Is there a relentless obsession of reminding the sheep of “who’s in authority”?
YES. Our narc-elder is a slick con-man. He would do this so-ever subtly by declaring this in Bible studies, Bi-weekly radio broadcasts, books he had written, and occasionally in a live meeting, if he felt there was someone there that needed reminded of his ‘authority.’
8. Are you told not to ask questions as to why others have left? Are you told to accept the statements that “your elders” give you?
OH YES. A critical part of our narc-elder’s ‘faction protocol’ ONLY allows you to hear and accept statements as to why others left, or as he puts it were ‘factioned out.’ He claims this is the process that God is using to clean up the local fellowship and make a spotless and blemish-less Bride for Christ (btw, he considers himself to be the Man-Child or Husband, in all points to the Bride. :o)
9. Are books, tapes and CD’s, speakers, music, etc., carefully controlled to keep only the belief structure of your church before your mind?
YES. The books, audios, videos, etc., are constantly being fed to the local fellowship, and to a larger portion of outer-fellowship members. There is even a weekly Book-Club study-session where members read one of the narc-elder’s books a few chapters at a time. Rather than just study the Bible and let the Holy Spirit guide, they focus on the narc-elder’s writings (his perverted seed). So, the cult members are constantly eating the narc-elder’s seed rather than the pure Word of God as led by the Holy Spirit.
10. Is there is a relentless campaign to keep you around the activities of your church, expecting you to be at all the stated meetings, except if providentially hindered? And if you are absent, is your spirituality and dedication sometimes questioned?
OMG YES! In one week there are 13 meetings that are either face-to-face, conference calls or weekly pre-recorded audios of the narc-elder and his yes-man droning on-and on. Although the narc-elder says these meetings are voluntary, in practice, they are not. If you don’t have a good enough excuse for missing them (like work-related), then you WILL get a ‘faction visit’ from the narc-elder and his so-called ‘witness’ (yes-man). He will scold you, point out your failings, past sins, current sins, future sins (based on dreams others have had) to pressure you to attend the meetings. Also, if you are LATE to a meeting, you WILL get chastised too. [Meeting specifics: Monday through Sunday, except on Wednesday you are to attend a morning ‘prayer’ meeting that STARTS at 7:00 am – do NOT be late. Tuesday and Thursdays hold conference calls from 8-10pm; these are more genuinely voluntary as they are not hosted by the narc-elder, but his yes-man. Then there are other voluntary/mandatory meetings on Monday and Friday evenings from 7:00-11:00pm. These are the main meetings where the narc-elder can lay down his subtle leaven and fear-porn. Then the narc-elder has a pre-recorded broadcast on Sunday for two hours and another two-hour broadcast on Wednesday where he lets his yes-man to record the second segment. These recordings are the narc-elder’s main way of jabbing at those former members who were shunned/factioned-out by the narc-elder and his enablers. He also uses these broadcasts to further poison the larger Internet audience with his gaslighting, slander, and fear-porn.]
11. Is the concept ever so subtly present that, “when you please the ‘elder’, God is pleased and when your ‘elder’ is not pleased with you, God is not pleased with you?”
YES. There is an unwritten rule that Brother David is pleased, God is pleased with you and vice versa.
12. Is there present, the breaking of even the closest family ties, to “guard” the flock?
OH YES. This is a main sticking point with our past spiritually abusive church. People would forsake family, friends, jobs, lands, retirements, pretty much everything to move into the local fellowship. The narc-elder would conspire with others to divide marriages and friendships he either didn’t approve of or were seemingly against him. He has no problem sowing discord or division amongst the brethren or families.
13. Is there the constant using of guilt and shame as tools of control?
YES. The fear of becoming ‘factious’ permeates the air AT ALL TIMES. The narc-elder is OBSESSED with the so-called ‘factious’ or former members. As such, he constantly reminds the current members of these wicked people that were Judases to him; they are reminded of the shame and guilt placed on these former members – this throws fear on current members, and in most cases get them to pile-on with the narc-elder against these so-called factious former members.
14. Is there present at your church the encouragement of the members to spy and report on each other, lest sin be found in the midst?
YES! There was always a sense that you were being watched at all times. People would put on game-faces just to get through fellowship meetings. There was a Brother [B.A.] assigned to spy on me when I would go to McDonald’s to get some coffee and pray; the narc-elder didn’t believe I was going there, so I would see this ‘brother’ show up almost every time I went there. This happened way too many times to be coincidental. He would also, peek his head around the corner and eavesdrop on my conversations. He was in narc training, I guess.
15. Is there present at your church the dominant climate of fear in the group – fear of failing to keep one of the rules, and fear of being held up to public humiliation and rejection?
YES. FEAR is the main component in the air. People will claim that is love in the air, but this is not true. You can tell this by the actions and speech of folks before the narc-elder shows up to the meetings. When the narc-elder shows up, everyone changes their countenance and their conversations.
16. At church, are the normal lines between what is private and what is public knowledge broken, and members confess the most personal, and the most minor sins, as the conscience is being surrendered to the “leadership”?
YES. The narc-elder LOVES confessions and would keep ALL confessed sin and or general confessions in personalized dossier file-folders on his computer to be used for later frame-up, slander, shame, and smear campaigns against resistant members or those who were factioned out of the fellowship.
17. Is questioning condemned as “whispering, back- biting, vicious slander, gossip, nit picking, signs of a proud rebellious spirit, being disaffected and divisive?”
OMG YES! This is happening much in our past fellowship.
18. Are those who dissent publicly punished? Are their reputations murdered by veiled, or not so veiled “revelations” of “sins”; past and present, as confidentiality is broken for the benefit of the leaders?
OH YES!!! This is the narc-elder’s main tool to instill FEAR into people. He has to protect his image. He uses everything against you to smear you; even sins that have been confessed and repented of; whenever ANYONE confronts him about his sin, then he denies and re-directs back to his slander, lies and smearing. Uber-Hypocrisy was/is evident with this narc-elder. The sad thing is that others pile-on with the narc-elder, without fact-checking his false accusations – He forbids this. So, people cannot find out the other side of the story, and therefore they are gaslighted and brainwashed further by the narc-elder.
19. Is there a misplaced loyalty from Jesus and God onto the leadership, which is idolatry?
YES! This is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for people in our past church. They lift the narc-elder up as the ‘Man-child’ or Jesus. There is a rock on the property of the narc-elder’s lawn; he put it there on purpose to remind folks that he has been abused like Jesus was. There is a sign on the rock that says ‘The Stone Which the Builders Rejected.’ He purports that this is him since he has been attacked by so many factious people who have left. This is a sly trick.
20. Is there harsh preaching and full of condemnation for your failures and are you deliberately being kept wounded and off balance by the haranguing and condemnation from the pulpit?
YES. Although the narc-elder has a book talking about speaking grace, he practices the subtle art of condemnation through legalism. He preaches good, but his words are very sly and deceptive.
21. Is “Persevere or be damned” and “listen to YOUR elders; obey YOUR elders”; “submit to YOUR elders” preached over and over again?
YES! He has actually yelled at a brother ‘OBEY THOSE WHO HAVE RULE OVER YOU!’
22. Is paranoia the “very air you breathe”? Paranoia of falling from grace; thinking for yourselves; breaking the many unspoken rules as well as the clearly spelled out expectations of the leader?
OMG YES!
23. Are you becoming paranoid – carefully watching your every word and even gesture, lest someone report your faults?
YES, always.
24. Does a code of silence reign at your church? Is no one to divulge the business of the church, or the faults of the leadership?
YES. Lots of unwritten rules else you will get a visit from the narc-elder and his yes-man.
25. Do the spiritual leaders at your church seem to give you the impression that either covertly or overtly, they have the right to tell you how you should manage your own family; presuming that they know your own family better than you know yourself?
YES.
RESULTS
If you answered “no” to all of the above questions, your church is relatively healthy.
If you answered “yes” to a quarter or more, your church is showing signs of being unhealthy.
If you answered “yes” to half or more, your church is very, very unhealthy.
If you answered “yes” to three-quarters or more, your church is an authoritarian cult.
If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, RUN! Leave everything and get help. This site (and others) has resources to help you. DO NOT BE PART OF ENABLING SPIRITUAL ABUSE, RATHER REPROVE IT.