Category: Narcissism

This would have saved me from so much pain and grief regarding our narc-elder. He would purposely be nice and agreeable with you about something that previously was a no-no, he would agree with a big smile on his face. I actually remember the time, place and where the narc-elder was sitting when he said it was okay to do thus-and-thus. At the time I thought: Wow! He’s become more understanding, maybe he has changed from the wicked Dr. Jackal (pun intended) he was before. Maybe there is hope with him and our relationship. Then, … like the corrupt/wicked Sherriff who said to the young boy, ‘It’s okay, go ahead and pick up the gun, I won’t hurt you. Look, I’m a police officer, we obey the law. It’s okay ‘son’ pick it up.’ Then the boy picks up the gun and the Sherriff guns him down. This is how our narc-elder would operate. I wanted to start the video below at about the 11:37 mark as Dr. Carter addresses this very thing. We recommend watching the whole video when you have time. As always, please send your constructive comments to ubmrecovery@gmail.com.

Below is a snippet of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse book we are reading. Comments follow below.

Delusion

In 2 Corinthians 11, Paul warned Christians, “But I am afraid, lest as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds should be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ” (v. 3). In a very real sense, people trapped in spiritually abusive systems have had their minds led astray. It seems that at some point, they cross a line in their ability to see what is happening to them. Let’s now describe that line, because it is the inner boundary that will need to be rebuilt as escape and recovery begin.

If you recall, we have described denial as the God-given ability to avoid feeling emotional, psychological or spiritual pain. When the amount of pain associated with a situation is too much to bear, we numb-out emotionally. It’s a gift to help us enter the process that will help us eventually accept and deal with the situation. However, there are unhealthy ways a person might intentionally deny the existence of a situation, including: lying, blaming others, minimizing the seriousness, rationalizing, or ignoring. This form of denial is more serious. It is “exchanging the truth for a lie,” which results in a “depraved mind” (Romans 1:25, 28). At that point, the mind can no longer tell the difference between what is true and what is false.

This phenomenon is called delusion and it is the end result of conscious forms of denial. Delusion is the distorted perception of reality, a totally unrealistic view of what is real. Conscious denial has to exist in a spiritual abuse situation in order to convince others that everything is fine, and also to fix blame away from the person or system. When it succeeds in convincing the person himself or herself, he or she is deluded.

Delusion is one of the main components in the learned powerlessness of the victim. More serious than denial, different than repression, it is a warp in the thinking process that filters out or twists information coming in from the outside. It is probably the most significant factor in keeping the victim trapped in the abusive system.

Johnson, David. Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, The: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church (p. 189). Baker Book Group – A. Kindle Edition.

Comments: There are all kinds of pain in our former ‘fellowship.’ The narc-elder instills varying levels of paranoia, pressure, and fear that pushes people into denial. A revealing instance of this is when we would gather for one of many ‘voluntary/mandatory’ meetings.

Before the narc-elder would arrive at the meetings people would be more relaxed and less guarding of what they would say or do. There was a sense of relief of freedom, albeit relative. Then… the narc-elder would roll up in his car with his yes-man (not an ordained ‘elder’) and the peoples’ countenance and attitude would quickly change. A level of fear and anxiety would start to fill the air. People started acting and saying the ‘right’ things as the narc-elder approached the group. People would put on their ‘game face’ and in some cases make an overt effort to greet the narc-elder, hoping they were still in his good graces. It was sickening. I was very sensitive to this change and took note of it. It happened EVERY time we met without fail. I believe my lack of affirming the narc-elder irritated him and I became a target; a non-compliant rebellious person who refused to not be myself and bow to his Jezebel spirit. More to comment later…

PLEASE do not underestimate the info in the video below. It explains the neurological and chemical process that causes us to bond with an abusive and toxic partner. This is REAL and you need to know about this. I went through a horrendous traumatic ordeal at the hands of my ex narc-elder. When you trust someone who is in a position of ‘spiritual authority’ you don’t expect to be manipulated through gas-lighting and other narc methods; as a result trauma bonding can ensue. At a later date, I hope to provide some insights into my traumatic abuse by my ex narc-elder and how it almost destroyed me. Thank God that Jesus is alive and in control!

Those who have never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand how people remain in one for so long. If somebody was mistreating you, “why did you stick around?” they ask. [Why did you go back?]

For survivors, this can be a really tough question to answer. The lucky ones escape, and stumble upon articles or books that give them the terms to be able to understand what happened to them, and thus describe their experience. Other times, though, this doesn’t happen, and people might not even be aware they were in a relationship that could be classed as “abusive.” This is because we are conditioned to believe abuse is always physical. On TV and in films, we see characters who are obviously evil. They are violent to their partners, shout at them aggressively, or even murder them in a fit of rage. While this does happen, it’s not a true representation of the abuse many others experience.

This is a great video to help you understand the after-effects of narcissistic spiritual abuse. It helped me understand hollowing-out, sudden and intermittent despair and other effects of abuse at the hands of my ex narc-elder.

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.